My name is Alex, I’m 36 years old, and I live in Irvine, California. I work in a corporate office where praise is rare and criticism is usually disguised as “feedback.” That’s why the moment stood out so clearly. During a department-wide meeting, my boss called my name. She thanked me for leading a recent project that had gone live ahead of schedule. She mentioned my attention to detail, my communication skills, and how I’d “set a great example for the team.” People nodded. A few clapped. My Slack messages lit up with congratulations. For once, I felt visible in a good way. That feeling lasted less than 24 hours.
The next afternoon, she asked me to step into her office. Her tone was neutral, polite. She closed the door and sat down, folding her hands like this was going to be serious. She told me she was concerned. She said some team members felt I was “too independent.” That I didn’t “loop people in enough.” That my confidence could come across as dismissive. She said this calmly, like she was doing me a favor by saying it now instead of later. I was stunned.
I asked if there had been specific complaints. She said it was “general feedback” and advised me to be more careful. When I mentioned the praise from the day before, she smiled thinly and said, “That was about results. This is about perception.” From that point on, things shifted. She started correcting me in one-on-ones for decisions she’d previously approved. She reworded my emails before sending them upward. In meetings, she’d rephrase my suggestions as if they were her own, then look at me to see if I agreed.
I started second-guessing everything. I spoke less. I overexplained. I added people to emails who didn’t need to be there just so no one could accuse me of working “too independently.” The worst part wasn’t the criticism—it was the contrast. In public, I was the example. In private, I was the problem to be managed. Eventually, I realized something uncomfortable. The praise wasn’t for me. It was for the room. It made her look like a supportive leader. The private undermining kept me small enough not to challenge her authority. Once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it.
I started documenting conversations. I followed up verbal feedback with summary emails. I stopped assuming good intent and started protecting my work. I also quietly updated my resume. I still work there. I still do my job well. But I no longer confuse public approval with private support. Praise means nothing if it isn’t consistent. And leadership that lifts you up in front of others, then tears you down behind closed doors, isn’t leadership at all—it’s control with better branding.
