I’m Having an Affair
Wife: Why is your back all scratched up? [Flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone.] Me: I’m having an affair.
My name is Jake. My wife, Sarah, and I have been married for seven years. We have a running joke that I have zero impulse control when it comes to animals — especially wild ones.
Last Tuesday night, I was taking out the trash when I spotted a raccoon stuck in our backyard fence. It was clearly scared and trying to free itself. Sarah had specifically told me earlier that day: “If you see a raccoon, leave it alone. They can be vicious and carry diseases.”
Naturally, I ignored her.
I grabbed a pair of thick gardening gloves and went to “help.” The raccoon was not interested in being rescued. It panicked, climbed up my arm, and used my back as a scratching post while trying to escape. By the time I finally freed it, my shirt was shredded and my back looked like I had been in a fight with a blender.
I walked back into the house, wincing.
Sarah took one look at the bloody scratches covering my back and raised an eyebrow.
“Why is your back all scratched up?”
Without thinking, I blurted out the first ridiculous thing that came to mind:
“I’m having an affair.”
The silence that followed was deafening.
Sarah stared at me for three full seconds, then burst out laughing so hard she had to sit down.
“You absolute idiot,” she wheezed between laughs. “You went after that raccoon again, didn’t you? Even after I told you to leave it alone!”
I sheepishly admitted everything. She made me turn around so she could clean the scratches and put ointment on them while still giggling.
Later that night, as we were lying in bed, she turned to me and said softly:
“You know, if you ever really were having an affair, you’d probably come home with raccoon scratches and tell me it was from the other woman.”
We both laughed until we cried.
This silly moment reminded me why I love my wife so much. She knows me well enough to see through my dumb jokes, and she loves me enough to clean up the mess when my curiosity gets the better of me.
The next morning, I found a note on the kitchen counter:
“To my favorite raccoon wrangler, Next time, just leave it alone. Or at least wear a thicker shirt. Love, your very patient wife ❤️”
I still have the scars. And I still have the best wife in the world — one who can turn my stupidity into one of our favorite inside jokes.
